Tender Heart

This weekend...

2008-05-14T09:46:00.000-07:00

Dogs running away at 2am Saturday morning... $25 in gas searching neighborhoods for them, $40 in "lost dog" signs, stress over cold nights with empty warm beds at home.

Pregnancy scare landing me in the hospital Sunday night... $500 deductible, 80/20 coinsurance, brusies on my arms from where I have no veins an IV can fit, $$?? in gas for all of those who came to check on me.

Finding out Tuesday that I'm healthy, the baby is healthy, my dogs are ok and realizing that God had me the whole time... Yep, people. That's priceless.

Cheesy, I know but so wonderful.

Found out Tuesday that the Thyroid problem I thought I had is actually not a problem at all. God is good.

Morning thoughts...

2008-04-10T07:21:00.001-07:00

Before I just didn't get it. I never grew up with crosses on the walls of my home. I'm not sure why. I just never understood.
(At the cross you beckon me
Draw me gently to my knees
And I am lost for words
So lost in love
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered)
I never understood how beautiful they can truly be. A cross is a reminder. A reminder of that it should be me up there. I'm a sinner and the wages of sin is death. But instead of me a man gave his own life for mine. The greatest act of love of all time.
(To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just)
The cross is empty. It showes that he is gone off the cross, that he has risen. He was victorious. Now my debt has been paid and I can truly live for the one who gave his life for mine. It is finished. Complete. Now I also am complete.
(What a priceless gift
Undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified
You called me out of death
You called me into life
I was under your wrath
through the cross I'm reconciled)

"We shared his death in our baptism. When we were baptized, we were buried with Christ and shared his death. So, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the wonderful power of the Father, we also can live a new life." - Paul to the believers in Rome.

Lately I am completely in awe of what God has done for me. It is humbling to think that really it's my life that has been spared. I am here carrying my first child because Christ gave his life for mine all those years ago. And he is here with me, in me. I am not ashamed of the cross. I am not ashamed of my savior. The cross has been changed. It was a shameful way to die. Now it's a reminder of the victory Christ (and now we) have over death. And Christ died for my unborn child, my little Grady. I can't find the words in my heart to express my gratitude or my love.

The bathroom on the third floor...

2008-03-28T08:15:00.001-07:00

No one really goes to the women's bathroom on the third floor. It's up two flights of stairs and there are no women who actually work on the third floor. (There are three guys and that's about it.) So if someone goes up there just to go potty it's usually because of ONE reason that has to do with the number TWO. Yes. I can't normally do a "ronna" at work, but if I have to I grab my accountability partner (bless her heart) and drag her up to the third floor. Her job is to stand guard at the door and NOT listen. So I have a problem. I don't want people to think that my poo smells. Everyone has it, everyone knows this but I just can't bear the thought of someone knowing that mine doesn't smell like roses?! Crazy, right? :)

So when thinking of a metaphor for my life this is what I came up with. I'm such a people pleaser that I don't want anyone to know the stinky parts of me. I care WAY too much about what people think. To the point that if someone is on the third floor I will wait and hold it. And it hurts. It actually causes me pain and I won't do anything about it until I get home. When am I going to not care so much about what people think? Or maybe I should ask the question: when am I going to care MORE about what God thinks about me and LESS of what I think of myself? He knows my poop stinks. He knows all about it. He knows where I hurt, He knows where I stumble, He knows what breaks my heart and what makes it soar. There are no secrets from Him. Yet I try to hide, I hold back like maybe He'll like me more if He doesn't know. I should just give in and stop trying to hide and start trying to live more for Him and less from Him.

Does that even make sense?

"So Long" - GUSTER

2008-03-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

Yes I heard all that you had to say
That's when it all fell apart
Might be hated, but I can't pretend I liked you better before
So long, so long, front foot leads the back one
Go on and it won't be too soon
I'm gone, I'm gone and on to the next one
So long, and I won't be back soon
Yes I'm blue, but from holding my breath
Like I have from the start
I'm the villain and I should confess I liked you better before
So long, so long and on to the next one
Go on and it won't be too soon
I'm gone, I'm gone, bet you saw this one comin?
So long and I won't be back soon
It's hateful to say, see it this way
Don't even know who you are
But in my defense I'd do it again
I don't need to know who you are
So long, so long and on to the next one
Go on and it won't be too soon
You're gone, you're gone, are you waiting for somethin?
Go on cause I won't be back soon
It's hateful to say, see it this way
Don't even know who you are
But in my defense I'd do it again
I don't need to know who you are
So long, so long, front foot leads the back one
Go on and it won't be too soon
You're lost and gone and on to the next one
Don't need to know who you are
Don't need to know who you are

Prayer

2008-02-18T14:54:00.000-08:00

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be confident knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Confessions of a recovering worry - wart

2008-02-12T13:32:00.000-08:00

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in HIM" - Ps. 62:5

One thing I've found is that it was easy for me to slip into a life of worry and fear and miss out on a life of joy. I like control. I love to plan. I make lists, spreadsheets, bullet pointed documents for just about everything in my life. But somehow I'm figuring out that I'm not really "in" on God's plans. I'm missing out. I'm over here with my folders and my label maker and He is just waiting for me to just come and spend some time with Him. If I just sat and chatted with Him, shared wtih Him my grand plans then maybe He would be able to give His input. I feel like every time I try to grab control of things everything slips out of my grasp. I control nothing beyond myself. I keep running into the same wall, so much so that the top of my head is completely flat! And in the process I've lost my joy. See if I try to control everything then I'm the one worrying about everything. If I just LET GO of those things that I can't control and give them up to the Father who created EVERYTHING then I won't have to worry so much. Or even worry at all. So why do I have such a problem letting go?

Rob Bell said some interesting things about Joy and Fear. (I feel like you could easily substitute "Worry" for Fear)

"Fear is about the unknown.
Joy is about what's known.

Fear is about what's not come.
Joy is about what's already come.

Jesus Christ has come already and will come again."

Anyway, those are my random notes from Mr. Bell. :)

This year...

2008-01-10T10:35:00.000-08:00

I'm a worrier. You might be thinking, "Hey, I worry too. Everyone does a little!" Let me help you understand. I'm an incredible worrier. I mean I'm REALLY good at it. I'm not sure where it started or how it happened but somewhere along the way I made it my responsibility to WORRY about the world. Hey, I'm not at all proud of it. In fact, right now I'm worrying what all the people reading this are going to think about me. (See? Excellent worrier!)

My resolution this year... to have no worries, no fear and to totally trust my GOD.

I don't feel like I have anything to say....

2008-01-09T07:09:00.000-08:00

So.... I really don't feel like I have anything to say. :) Nothing extremely profound, no deep thoughts to ponder (at least none I want anyone else to know about) and no incredible story to tell. I think I'll just confess instead.

Hello, my name is Jessica and I'm a worrier. (Hello, Jessica.)

New Life

2007-12-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

A little over two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant... again.
A month before I went through one of the toughest life events I had ever gone through. I had been "pregnant" and had miscarried. I say "pregnant" because the nurses thought that a fetus had probably never developed in the first place. I was very early in my pregnancy and it was possible that it wasn't a real pregnancy at all. But it was real to me. I really thought that I had my first child growing inside of me. I talked to him, prayed for him, daydreamed about him and smiled about him all the time. (I say "him" because it's easier than saying "it".) I gushed to people that I was finally with child and could barely contain my excitement. It was not even a week after taking the home pregnancy test that I learned it was not to be. I remember feeling this complete sadness wash over me. I cried for so long and Ian cried with me. I felt empty. I felt like a failure. I felt rejected. I felt ashamed And no one really had a clue which was totally my fault. I acted like it was no big deal. We would get pregnant again and it would work out someday. But I was so depressed that I worried if I would bounce back. Nothing had ever hit me that hard. Not my parent's divorce, nothing in my life had hurt as bad as that did.

So these are the feelings that I was still trying to deal with when I found out I was pregnant again. I fell on my knees and cried when I found out. I asked Ian to pray for me. I couldn't bear it happening all over again. I began to tell people close to me but this time I did not gush or had any excitement. I was full of worry, fear and dread. Not a great way to start off!

I've had a lot of time to think and pray. I'd like to think that I have no worry, fear or dread but that's not true. Honestly, I just have less. But it's a start. Every day is a struggle. Every day I feel like throwing up and I thank God for the opportunity to carry one of His children, a soon to be son or daughter of God! I have to admit that I need help. That I can't do this on my own. I have to admit that none of this is going to work if I don't start relying on God and His strength.

Today I had my blood drawn AGAIN. I find out if my hormone levels are doing ok. Next week I have my first ultrasound. :) I'm really excited about that.

So there's some back story for you. Hopefully, it will help you understand more and more about where I am and how I'm doing. And maybe you'll be inspired to pray for me. :)

I had completely forgotten about this blog!

2007-11-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

So I'm going in to sign up to create a new blog and much to my suprise I already have one! There is something seriously wrong with my brain sometimes.

I think I'm just going to use this blog as a way to journal my life, feelings, events and such. Hopefully, it will just be for close friends and family. :)

First post

2007-06-26T07:01:00.001-07:00

This is just a test. I just want to see what this looks like!