New Life

A little over two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant... again.
A month before I went through one of the toughest life events I had ever gone through. I had been "pregnant" and had miscarried. I say "pregnant" because the nurses thought that a fetus had probably never developed in the first place. I was very early in my pregnancy and it was possible that it wasn't a real pregnancy at all. But it was real to me. I really thought that I had my first child growing inside of me. I talked to him, prayed for him, daydreamed about him and smiled about him all the time. (I say "him" because it's easier than saying "it".) I gushed to people that I was finally with child and could barely contain my excitement. It was not even a week after taking the home pregnancy test that I learned it was not to be. I remember feeling this complete sadness wash over me. I cried for so long and Ian cried with me. I felt empty. I felt like a failure. I felt rejected. I felt ashamed And no one really had a clue which was totally my fault. I acted like it was no big deal. We would get pregnant again and it would work out someday. But I was so depressed that I worried if I would bounce back. Nothing had ever hit me that hard. Not my parent's divorce, nothing in my life had hurt as bad as that did.

So these are the feelings that I was still trying to deal with when I found out I was pregnant again. I fell on my knees and cried when I found out. I asked Ian to pray for me. I couldn't bear it happening all over again. I began to tell people close to me but this time I did not gush or had any excitement. I was full of worry, fear and dread. Not a great way to start off!

I've had a lot of time to think and pray. I'd like to think that I have no worry, fear or dread but that's not true. Honestly, I just have less. But it's a start. Every day is a struggle. Every day I feel like throwing up and I thank God for the opportunity to carry one of His children, a soon to be son or daughter of God! I have to admit that I need help. That I can't do this on my own. I have to admit that none of this is going to work if I don't start relying on God and His strength.

Today I had my blood drawn AGAIN. I find out if my hormone levels are doing ok. Next week I have my first ultrasound. :) I'm really excited about that.

So there's some back story for you. Hopefully, it will help you understand more and more about where I am and how I'm doing. And maybe you'll be inspired to pray for me. :)